Take me off your hitlist Santa!

So it’s Christmas time. In order to break the all time Santa hit list record of being in last place for about 23 years straight, that’s right ladies, I’m the naughtiest kid on the block, I decided to do something charitable this holiday season. I decided to “adopt” an orphaned child and buy him/her a Christmas gift. So I picked up an “Angel Card” off the Christmas tree with the words “Boy, 15 years old”. Sweet, he’s about the same mental age as I am. But what should I get him? The boy is an orphan he most defiantly is having a hard knock life. Can one single gift change his lucky stars? Can someone really make a difference in his life? As if that’s even a question when you got the Man, Myth, Legend brainstorming ideas. Behold:

Guns and Movies don’t kill kids….I do

Inspired by a Christmas Story where Ralphie finally gets his Red Ryder BB gun, I have decided to empower my child with the abilities to make wrongs right. A Blade Turbo Paintball gun with Dual CO2 chambers for double the pleasure and double the fun. He’s probably had a few bullies in his life, or the other kids at the orphanage stealing his women and encroaching on his territory. Now 200 rounds of Scorch High Precision 0.8 MM paintballs should definitely right some wrongs. No more stealing his Tater Tots I’ll say. And guess what? One of the features of this special Premium grade is the and I quote “High Visibility and Hard to Wipe” Those blood red paintballs will be an extension of his anger.

I got your Scarlett Letter right here!

A pump action dealing angel of retribution, with a 50 round ammo cartridge. Like the Scarlett Letter his victims will display the red paint on their foreheads and crotch like a badge of shame. But Sir Jonny how come you didn’t include a paintball mask for safety? Simple the mask will only muffle his cackling, maniacal laugh and I want his bullies to hear every bit of it. And besides, what other responsible parent would buy a competing child a dangerous paintball gun also? Answer None, so my kid will be perfectly safe, although I should get him a Raincoat as well for all the tears of pain that will soon rain on him. The sheer joy of it. In fact I think I’m having more fun thinking about what he will do. And check out my excellent wrapping technique.

Can you guess what’s inside?

You might be wondering why I did such a poor job at wrapping it up with scotch tape highly visible and all over the place. Simple Idiot! I did it on purpose. I never do thing haphazardly you buffoon. JonnyKu always has a purpose. You see, the scotch tape represents the scars on his poor fragile little heart. And as he peels away the scotch tape it is a metaphor for him peeling away his scars to reveal the shiny present underneath. Oh how his heart will grow double in size with each blast and kids screaming and crying and all they can think is, Karma is a bitch. Oh the joys of Christmas. Santa, looks like I’ll be expecting you this year.