How the world became a better place

July 8th, 1981. The world became a better place all thanks to me, for on this day, I have graced the world with my presence. You are now a better person because of me. Rock on. So let’s celebrate!

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Career Milestones

1981: Graced the Earth. The world Rejoiced. The soil become fertile, the trees beared fruit, and White Castle is now open 24/7.
1981: 1 week later. Hell Froze over
1995: Saved a family from a sinking battleship.
1996: Became the first man to land on the moon. One small step for a man…….
1997: Singlehandedly won the Gulf War, by calling up Saddam’s wife, telling her he cheated on her. She immediately was able to locate and find him in 3,000 miles of desert land (women have the innate ability to do that). Awarded, Purple, Red, Blue, and Emoticon <3 heart medal of honor.
2000: Superbowl MVP for the New England Patriots Buffalo Bills. Go Bills!
2001: Walked and Chewed bubble gum at same time.
2002: Discovered the cure for all the world’s diseases, famine, pollution, traffic, stock market crashes…….world peace…….etc.
2003: Defeated King Koopa and finally deflowered that Blue Balling Princess Peach.
2004: Won Nobel Peace prize for award winning book “The Women’s Place”
2006: Secretly created a Ponzi Scheme codenamed “Subprime”. Rest of the world invests in scheme.
2007: Distracted Tom Bradys girlfriend the night before the big game......18-1!!
2007: Tom Brady slightly distracted for unknown reasons the night before the big game……18-1!!
2009:Destroyed MJ in a Dance Off. Literally.

2010: Lebron James signs with the NY Knicks (edit:Screw you Lebron!!!) after being offered free candy

2011: Aged 11 through 30 like fine wine

 

 

2012: Saved the world from destruction……you’re welcome

Future: Still Boldly going where no man has gone before!